Progress

I woke up this morning and, as I gradually regained consciousness, I became aware of the perfection of the moment. I’ve always loved mornings—waking up slowly as the sounds and sensations of life outside my bedroom ease me back into reality. This morning the sunlight was soft and the sounds of the street were muffled but audible. I was nestled under the covers of a warm bed in a cold room, a juxtaposition that I have always found to be extraordinarily comforting.

Some of my most cherished memories take place in those five minutes between sleep and full consciousness; waking up and feeling as though the rest of the world has ceased to exist. In those brief minutes, all that matters is that moment in that place. It’s a time I treasure; a secret indulgence I am able to experience so infrequently. It’s an intimate moment for me, one in which I feel utterly content, fulfilled, assured and grounded.

As the sounds of the city become perceptible and I begin to recognize the small place I occupy as part of the greater whole, I wake up. The bleary-eyed sense of wonder is nothing but a memory, to be relived at a later time. But for those five magical minutes I know myself as an individual. I know myself as part of something bigger. I know myself.

While those waking moments are, for me, the epitome of this sense of self-understanding, I have also recently come to realize other moments that, while not as intense, give me a similar feeling. Being alone outside and smelling the grass, the beach or the frost. Sitting by myself and being completely absorbed by the majesty of a thunderstorm: the anticipation, the electric feeling that permeates the air before the storm breaks, the smell of the rain, the feeling of the wind and the moisture in the air, the sound of raindrops splashing on the surfaces around me and the crashing of thunder, and especially the dazzling spectacle of lightening darting across a darkened sky. Time spent in a place of historical importance, feeling a connection between the past and the present. Those moments with friends when you feel completely in sync with other people and you know that, in that exact moment, you are precisely where you should be; where you need to be.

A lot about Korea has been difficult, but I’ve also realized that coming here was the right decision for me. I have yet to become engrossed by the intensity of a building storm or feel a spiritual connection to those who lived in another time or place. However, I have experienced other things, seemingly insignificant moments that are later revealed to be secret, stolen pleasures, that help me to recognize who I am and what I need. Now I just have to decipher how to proceed; where to go from here.