Now that I’ve been here for a month, I figure that I should get on with the reflecting, as opposed to taking everyone step-by-step through what I’ve been doing with my weekends, and the serious cultural faux pas I have been committing. Anyone who was there with me as I blundered through teacher’s college would understand exactly why I’ve been avoiding this. After drowning in professional and personal reflections for a year, I got to know myself (or bullshit about how I’ve gotten to know myself) more than I ever thought necessary. That being said, I did make this move with a purpose, so I suppose that I should be keeping everyone up to date on how that’s working out for me...
Although several factors played on my decision to come here, there was one reason that obviously stood above all others: to force myself outside of my comfort zone and to find my own way, as opposed to cowering behind others and following their lead. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some wonderful deflectors in the form of numerous friends. I’ve also lead the group on more than one occasion. I’ve just never been in the lead only to turn around and realize that no one is following. It was time.
I’m not saying that I haven’t had help while I’ve been here; obviously Julia and Kyle have been lifesavers. That being said, for the most part I’m on my own, and already I’m starting to notice the effects.
During this month, short period though it’s been, I have done a significant amount of thinking. That tends to happen when you’re stuck in a bed during the majority of your free time (for the record, the plague seems to be subsiding. Yay me!). This is what I’ve come up with...
When I left, I was having trouble finding a job that felt right. No matter where I looked or thought about working back home, something wasn’t clicking. I knew that if I took a position with one of the many boards that I was contemplating, I would continue to feel unfulfilled. In retrospect I think that that occurred for several different reasons, the ultimate culmination of which is:
I’m not sure how I felt about finally having to begin a career, particularly one involving so much responsibility. I know that everyone talks about how easy my chosen profession is, how short the hours are. The thing that people miss is that it’s not about simply getting through the curriculum. It’s about knowing that each student in your class fully understands the material and its connection to their lives. It’s about ensuring that each and every student feels validated and heard. Most of all, it’s about helping them figure out who they are and where they fit into this world. Add on to that the desire to share your passion with them, the desire that each and every one of them leaves your classroom understanding why you love your subject, and why you do what you do... well, that results in a hell of a lot of pressure. Plus, if we’re being realistic here we need to incorporate the fact that most of them will never see where you’re coming from and a number of them, for various reasons, don’t even want to be in your classroom. It’s a job that involves a high level of dedication, both professionally and personally. There is a high turnover rate, due primarily to burnout, in the teaching profession. I knew that once I started, I would be consumed by it. Anyone who knows me realizes that although I can be the most indecisive person on the face of the planet, once I decide to do something, I do it. And I refuse to be second best. Perhaps I was unwilling to give up that much of myself, to take that kind of a risk. Ultimately, I wasn’t sure that I was ready.
I thought that by coming here I would be able to learn a little more about myself and what I truly want to accomplish, personally and professionally. I would be able to experience teaching a new subject in a different setting with a new age group, thus narrowing my choices at home. I hoped that, by being removed from the reality of my every day existence, I would be able to distinguish what is important to me, thereby allowing myself to cut out all of the unnecessary baggage that was dragging me down, at times suffocating me.
All this while trying to pay down my student loan. What can I say? I’m ambitious.
By no means have I sorted all of this out in a mere month, however I can honestly say that I am well on my way. The small things have been addressed. I know that elementary students are beyond me. I know that I enjoy ESL, but don’t want to specialize in it. I am still leaning heavily towards teaching at an independent school back in Canada, but after having been here, where private schools abound, I have realized that, even in Ontario, a private school does not necessarily mean a good school. I have therefore resolved to do a significant amount of research before taking a position at such an institution upon my return. I would rather work in a public school for a few years and later find a position at a private school that I respect and where I am well suited than work for the rest of my life in a subpar institution. All of this has been confirmed in a mere 30 days.
Also confirmed is the fact that, for me, travel is better done without actually living and working in the country that I’m visiting. I’ve believed this for a while, but always assumed that I felt this way because I was too much of a chicken to actually make the move. Now that I’ve done it, I realize that isn’t the case at all. As a resident and an employee, it’s so easy to get caught up in the daily grind. I prefer the excitement of a busy vacation filled with daily exploration and long walks through historically significant places. Call me a geek, but that’s where my heart is. I do believe there will be many a trip to the great temples and palaces of the world in the summers of my future.
Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that life is life no matter where you are. Although it was exciting initially, and I have met many new friends, the daily grind continues. I get up and go to work. I make dinner and go grocery shopping. The mundane aspects of life seem to have followed me to the Land of the Morning Calm.
As for the bigger issues, I’m making headway. Time and thought are still required to work those puzzles out.
What does all of this mean for me? I’m more secure in who I am and what I want in life, although I don’t claim to have all of the answers. What does this mean for Korea? I’m not entirely sure. Right now I feel like I need to go home in time to find a job for September, which essentially means that I will have to be back in Ontario for the beginning of May. That being said, it is still early, and I still have a lot to see and do. A lot to... reflect on.
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